The laser show planned to mark the completion of The Shard tonight is nothing but a smokescreen.
Buried underground for millions of years, The Shard is, in fact, an alien artefact designed by evil extra-terrestrial insurgents to annihilate mankind.
However, it's not too late to mount a massive international pre-emptive strike.
I shall be watching via wifi from the safety of an undisclosed deep-level tube platform.
Tonight is our Independence Day.
Good Luck everyone!