There's no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation

This was my first torch:


















It took about four hours to make, and was so accurate it was confiscated by the cops in Whitehall. Compare it to Paula Radcliffe's torch:
































And this was the second one that I knocked up in 30 minutes on the way to Whitechapel - it even had a flame:






















If anyone has any suggestions as to how I might go about attempting to reclaim the first torch, let me know.